My ASD Evaluation Results

Good morning. I wanted to take a few minutes to share something that I know many of you have been waiting to hear about. I have been processing what happened for about the last week now and I think I’m finally ready to share. It’s a very vulnerable place to share from and I was going to attempt to do this on a Live or even video, but I don’t think I’m ready to do that yet. It’s still raw and I’m still emotional about it. So best to use my words where I can edit and carefully think through them first.

Last week after almost 6 months of waiting for results post-evaluation, and after almost 2 years of wondering, I finally got my Autism evaluation results back. The clinician did not diagnose me Autistic. After only knowing me for a few hours, and seeing that I’m very “articulate” and can function, he decided I couldn’t possibly be Autistic.

It appears what so many have warned me about has happened to me. I had my evaluation done in a place that uses outdated tests that are geared toward men and this place (mostly male staff) clearly is not familiar with how Autism presents in women. The report was devastating to me. It was borderline vicious and it was very clear that he rushed through getting it done. According to my counselor, there’s an entire section of the report that doesn’t even fit so she believes it’s actually from someone else’s report. He used she/he and her/his interchangeably throughout my report so he was clearly cutting and pasting. (I identified as “female” because apparently you have to do that now so I know it wasn’t out of respect. 🙄)

There were things in that report that I know are not me. As I read it I felt like he was describing someone else entirely. I wept after reading it. I felt so unseen and unheard. And based on some things he said, I felt silenced.

I asked my counselor if I was just off base. Am I just seeing something that isn’t there? She’s worked in the Autism world for over 20 years. My report made her fume. She couldn’t sway me one way or another, but she said I was well within my rights to ask for a second opinion from a place that is more familiar with Autistic women. She also agreed that there are things in me that would cause me to get a diagnosis.

I took time to pray and reflect. And to try to get the words he said broken off of me and out of my mind. It’s hard. They sting. I need to walk out forgiveness here. But I am ready to try again.

I know I’m neurodivergent. I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that. In fact, I would be just fine giving up right now and moving on with my life. But as I told my counselor, it would feel like part of me is missing. And there are so so many women that are Autistic/Neurodivergent that need to know how to fight for what they need. I always hesitate to share this stuff because there are a thousand opinions on Autism and I’m so tired of the fighting. But regardless of what you believe, I believe in neurodivergence and I have seen how I have finally connected to myself and have come alive and healed in incredible ways since learning this about myself that it’s worth fighting for the women that will come after me.

There are men and women like me who believe they are broken. I felt that my whole life. Once I learned about my kids and then learned about myself, I realized I wasn’t broken. I’m wired differently. And while we shouldn’t need a diagnosis in this world to celebrate that, the way it’s set up makes us have to. It’s gross and needs to change and maybe I’ll be part of that process. (I have had multiple people tell me I would be fabulous in a career around Autism. I already wondered about that. We will see what God says/does here. But I’m open.)

My heart is to help people. And the clinician (never actually saw a psychologist by the way…only a clinician 🤔) used that very fact…my own heart…against me in my report. That’s part of how I know I need to keep going.

So that’s that. I’m not sure what’s next but I have a counselor going to bat for me now and that feels pretty good. I don’t do this alone anymore. I’m worth fighting for. Those that will come after me are worth fighting for. My kids are worth fighting for. I hate that this even has to be a fight, but I feel called to this arena very strongly so, I’m suiting up and going to battle. 💪🏻

I appreciate your prayers for me as I heal from this process and seek the Lord for what’s next and how to proceed. And I ask you to pray for favor for me in this area. He already knows what I need. He already has a way. And I come into agreement with Him and His will. Amen! (And thank you all for your support through all of this. It has been a beast of a process.)

Blessings,

Nikki