My Story About Suicide

I didn’t know Twitch, the dancer/celebrity. This isn’t really a tribute to him and his recent passing, but I am shocked and saddened by his passing. I watched him dance on various platforms and bring everyone so much joy. His smile was so bright and shining. It reminds me a lot of how I felt when Robin Williams died this way.

My heart hurts whenever someone takes their own life not because I am judging them…but because I know how you get to that destination. I hurt and ache because it could have been me.

Many times when I was younger I was tormented by the invitation to end it all. One time in my teens I wanted the pain to end so badly that I held a bottle of ibuprofen in my hand and for the first time in my life, I was seconds away from taking it all.

There were times after I had my first child where I felt so overwhelmed and I bought the lies that I was the worst mother in the world. The temptation to end it all was great, though I learned by that point to reach for help. Though I never admitted that I had those thoughts.

When my children were struggling and hadn’t received an Autism diagnosis yet and I believed it was all my fault and things would never get easier, the old thoughts resurfaced. I knew it wasn’t true that it would be better if I was gone, and it pulled me out of it. I couldn’t leave them behind, so I used my tools and fought a spiritual battle and won.

These days I’m in counseling weekly and I make sure to be as honest as I can about where I’m at. It’s hard work…fighting to stay. And my heart is sad that another human—celebrity or not—lost the fight.

Mental health ought to be just as important as physical health. It should be just as normal to see a therapist (mind doctor) as it is to see a regular/body doctor. We are all hurting and broken. We have all suffered and many of us have lived a great deal of pain.

I want to use this tragedy to speak out about my own struggles and to let you know that there is a God who sees you. He sees your pain. He holds your tender heart in His hands and even when it feels like the end, He’s still got you. He doesn’t cause your pain. He takes no pleasure in your trauma. He weeps with you. Jesus is the best friend I never knew I needed or was looking for during all those years of mental agony. And the sad thing is I already KNEW Him. I just didn’t let Him in. I didn’t go through the hard work of feeling my pain and exchanging it with His peace and joy. Once I did that, I felt lighter. I felt stronger and like I could fight one more day.

You probably see me in my social media stories posting about my morning routine. I love spending time with Jesus, but do you know the real reason I need to keep that routine? So I can stay healthy in my mind. So the enemy has no ground to torment me. When I miss days, I can literally feel the warfare happening.

I also write down a page of things I’m thankful for every morning during my routine. This grounds me and forces me to focus on good things in my life. It gives me perspective and helps me see reality. I need this. This is my battle to walk through and I don’t struggle like I used to…but tragedies like this one remind me how close I have come over the years. And I look at my kids and my husband and my family and my church and I feel so grateful that I didn’t end it and miss this all.

One of the things I always write in my gratitude journal in the morning is “more.” I’m thankful for the reminder every day that there is more—no matter how things look and feel right now.

There’s always more. And I’m sticking around for that until my Savior calls me Home.

If you’re hurting, please please get help. Don’t suffer alone. Don’t buy the lies in your own mind. You’re worth fighting for. Your future is worth fighting for. Don’t fight alone. 💕

Blessings and peace to you,

~Nikki