The House of Glory–Daring to Hope Again

I have a long history of hearing from God. At the tender age of 8–the very age my oldest son is right now–I was introduced to Jesus. He came for me at a local “5 Day Club” in Northern Minnesota. I remember hearing the stories about this man and how much He loved people and something inside of me came alive.

I got hot all over and before I could even stop myself I was going to the front because I wanted Him. I was living in a less than ideal home situation and He sounded like Love to me in a way I had not ever known it.

I went back up to receive Him into my heart every single day after that. I couldn’t risk losing Him. Something inside of me had changed…Someone was now residing in my heart and I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t sing loud enough. Something was different and He was the only thing that had changed.

Since that day, I have always had a “knowing” of Him living inside of me. It’s not weird…it’s a warmth. It’s a coziness. It’s a joy that springs up when it doesn’t make a lick of sense. It’s a peace when everything is swirling. I know the heart of God because He deposited it inside of me through His Holy Spirit.

He led me through some crazy journeys over the years. Many self-inflicted, but some I wouldn’t have chosen. But He never once left my side. When I was dealing with infertility, God gave me a dream about my two boys. They looked so similar that I thought for sure I must be in for twins! Haha. But as I walked through that pain, I had the dream to hold onto. He gave me their names. “God Remembered” for my firstborn, and “Double Blessing” or “Double Fruitfulness” for my second. Fast forward a few years and a surgery later, and there I was pregnant with my first. I knew Zachariah was coming. People thought I was nuts declaring he was a he and giving him a name. But I knew. And when I saw that ultrasound and we got the news he was a boy, it did something to me. It made me realize that I genuinely do hear from God. Second son, Ephraim, just a few years later and I really was scratching my head like, hmmm….what are we doing here God? Do you still talk to people like this?!

Then I walked through a miscarriage. I knew her name…I had seen her in dreams. I knew. But God “forgot” to tell me the part where she wasn’t going to make it Earthside. It ached in a way I could not ever adequately describe. We are actually coming up on what would have been her 4th birthday. That’s a grief that never goes away and it always feels like somebody is missing in our family. She may not have come out of my womb, but the moment light flashed and conception occurred…she was part of our family. And we miss her dearly.

I raged after that. For awhile. I was not ready to even dare hope again for another child. In fact I was a little angry with God. How could He give me these beautiful dreams and visions of a little girl that I would never get to hold? But in His beauty and love, He never left my side through my raging. He held me many times as I grieved. He, too, knows grief. He, too, knows what it’s like to have lost a son.

I “dared to hope” one more time for another child. My reproductive history is already a crazy hot mess, and they didn’t think I would be able to have “too many” because of my situation, so I was feeling the pressure to try soon before I lost my window, but I was still scared about what would happen. Would I lose another? I didn’t have a vision or a dream to hold onto. I was just living in fear.

One day I was praying with a friend and all of a sudden I had a vision and it dropped HEAVY into my Spirit…”You will have another little girl, and you will name her Hope.”

Hope. My life word. The word that saved me over and over and over in my life. If I could just hold out Hope…I had no idea how much I would need to cling to that over the next year and a half of infertility. It was hard to hold out for Hope.

But then she came. And I knew. I knew she was a she because I could literally feel a different “feminine energy” about her. Now this isn’t woo-woo new age type energy. It’s my spirit sensing hers and knowing it is a different kind of human than my boys were. They were more masculine. I could just tell. So I shouted from the rooftops RIGHT AWAY. I did not wait. I did not pass go or collect $200. I immediately told the world she was coming. I did not care what anyone thought about me declaring that. And when we had the ultrasound and he said, “Yep, that’s a girl in there.” I cried and cried. My Hopey girl was here! (And no, she was not the little girl in my previous visions. That was my Adelaide. This was my Hopey.)

As you can see, faith isn’t an issue for me. Haha. Hearing from God is not hard when I press my spiritual ears to the Spirit and listen in. But last December we were on deck to move into a beautiful little farmhouse on 15 acres in the middle of nowhere and we were so excited. We made it to the “let’s draw up a lease” phase, when it all came crashing down with one little decision–through no fault of our own. We were devastated. We thought we were getting our Christmas Miracle–a new home, finally! But it came crashing down around us. And it is the second bigger situation we thought we were hearing clearly from the Lord but then doubted if we had heard at all in just a few years.

The two situations I’m referring to, this one and another, as I processed with the Lord He reminded me that He can intend and will things for us until the cows come home, but the people around the situation can change their minds or things can happen that are out of their control and He can remove that something to protect us. Sometimes He provides the thing, sometimes He has to take it away and for reasons we don’t understand. I pray one day He’ll sit down for coffee or tea or whatever amazing cozy beverage we will drink in Heaven and He will tell me the story of my life. How He was there and orchestrating every detail of my life. We will laugh and talk and probably not cry because it says there are no tears in Heaven. But we will then get up and go rock in my rocking chairs and watch the sunset. Because He is good and He deserves glory for every single thing He does–even the stuff that hurts because I can’t see what’s on the other side.

So now I find myself on the edge of daring to hope again. We looked at a house a few weeks ago. It is perfect for our family on many levels. Some cons, but more pros than anything. It’s a house we would be so proud to live in and invite people into. Something shifted when we saw the house. Something “leapt in my spirit” as they say. But I was too scared to hope. On paper we don’t look very appealing. In real life we take care of every space we are given. We are great tenants. We just need someone to give us a chance. I was not hopeful that we would be the ones.

The funny story is that we drove by that house SO MANY TIMES last year and it was for sale. I remember saying, “Gosh I wish that house was for rent or that we could buy it”. But I didn’t know anything about the house at all. Something just stirred in me every time we drove by it.

There are lots of details and things swirling that lead me to believe it might be for us. But it’s too scary to shove a stake in the ground because what if I’m wrong? What if it’s not for us and I led everyone astray? I feel the weight of responsibility on this one, maybe deeper because I’m further into ministry and now and it feels like it really “counts”. But regardless, God will have His way. And Sunday morning during worship for the first time on this journey I saw a vision. The house was illuminated by the prettiest blue colors (which usually represent the Holy Spirit/God/etc) and I tried to “wipe it away”, thinking it was just my desire. But He put it right back and said, “This will be your home, and it will be the ‘House of Glory'”. I cried. And I wanted to treasure that and tuck it away because it HAD to be from Him. I would not have used that word. Ha. I would maybe have said, “The House of Hope” or “The House of Peace, or Healing”. But never would I have thought it would be “The House of Glory”. I would be honored to carry His presence and His glory in my home.

Then apparently it wasn’t enough to hold that in my heart because He wanted me to share it with the church. That was probably the bigger step of faith in this scenario because I feel a responsibility for the Words I carry and I don’t share them lightly. But I knew I would be disobedient if I did not share what He put on my heart. He said, “This is not just to increase your faith, but to increase the faith of the church as well.” So many are praying for us and crying out to God on our behalf so we can find a safe place to live closer to the church. This is not just my and Aaron’s journey anymore–it’s all of ours. And more than seeing MY faith restored, I want to see their faith restored/grown more.

I had a vision a week ago (that I tried to ignore-ha!) of the church coming to our new home and celebrating with us. It was a happy occasion and I remember saying, “This is what you’ve been praying for!”

I want to hope for that. I want to see God do amazing and wonderful things. It feels like He is orchestrating things in such a magnificent way and I just need to stay focused on what is in front of me. Packing. Working our businesses. Ministry. Pastor School. Homeschooling. Lovin’ on my babies through this transitory phase. He’s taking care of all of it! And I asked Him, “But what if I’m wrong?!” And for the first time ever He dismissed it and said, “I’ll worry about that.” (Which is funny, because He doesn’t worry. Haha.)

So, I stepped out in faith and shared the Word. And now I’m writing this post. And it feels a lot like slipping into an old jacket that I love. I remember that delicate space between the vision and the coming true. That’s where I am now. But see, I remember how this goes. I remember how God comes through and increases my and others’ faith. I remember.

So right or wrong, here we go! Ha. But I believe you Jesus, that we will be moving into “The House of Glory” very soon! Amen!

Blessings,
~Nikki