Loving ourselves starts with embracing the parts we rejected.
Oh hey! You’re gonna see me rocking a new middle part now. Remember how I always wore a side part? I called it a “swoop thing” because I saw it on some celebrities back when I was a teenager/early 20 something and decided that my middle part simply would NOT suffice. How embarrassing to wear a middle part! Who even does that?! I immediately fought the high hair seas to incorporate that swoop/side part thing and never looked back. Even when my hair rebelled and tried to pull back into that ghastly middle part, I stood my ground and “swooped” it right back. You will not win, hair.
Why are we talking about my part? Well, because I realized something about that middle part — it was a part of me that I rejected for years and years. And years. While there’s nothing horribly wrong with changing your part, for me it was as if I rejected a very special part of my body.
And you think the middle part was bad, teenage Nikki?! Not NEARLY as bad as the bangs I grew up with! *faint*
I even tried to bring the middle part back senior year of high school! I’d say it was a success, but clearly 18-ish-year-old Nikki did not agree because it disappeared again shortly after this photo.
Now that we’ve had a “hair-venture” (which I feel like I heard in the movie Trolls or something), let’s take a minute to get a little real… (Okay, I couldn’t resist. Sorry! #Trollsquote #Ihavetwotoddlers #wehaveTrollsmemorized)
So what’s the big deal about a part anyways? It was something that was a natural part of me (ha, see what I did there?! Sorry, gonna get back to being serious now.). Regardless of whether Jesus gave me those fluffy, should-have-their-own-zip-code bangs or if it was my parents; my hair wants to part in the middle. It just does. Even with those crazy bangs they ALWAYS parted in the middle. How lame is that?! Bangs that part in the middle. I couldn’t even.
As I go through this process of healing, it’s almost like I’m remembering who I am — the things I love. Now, I don’t love the middle part — yet. I feel so “Sarah Plain and Tall” with them. Haha. I catch myself in the mirror and go WHO IS THAT?!?!?!?!!? But somehow, some way, it feels right. I feel a little bit like me again. Seeing my middle part is stirring up a whoooole other slew of emotions/memories, but somehow I think that was the point. It’s time to embrace me…all of me. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hidden…the rejected.
This applies to so much more than my hair. I’ve rejected so much of myself to be loved…to be liked…to be accepted. I didn’t look or sound or act like anyone around me, so I adapted. I learned their languages. I learned to laugh like them. (True story…I changed my laugh!) I listened to singer after singer and learned their styles. Who I was just wasn’t good enough so I got rid of her.
I did myself a horrible disservice. In fact, I dishonored myself. I’ve had to forgive myself for that and integrate those rejected parts of myself with who I am now. I suspect this process will continue for quite awhile, but I feel like I have a really good start. 🙂 I have had this awakening lately that I can’t really put into words. But I can tell you that you’re going to start seeing a lot more change in me…even more than a middle part!
The more I accept who I am, the more confidence I’m finding to be me! The more [wobbly] steps I take as myself, the less I seem to care what people think about me. I am letting go of the need to be liked, and embracing loving myself instead. I think if I could just love myself, I wouldn’t need other people’s love so much.
So hair we go! (I can’t with the Trolls references and hair puns. I should probably wrap this up now. Haha!) Nikki, the middle part rocking, confidence building, learning to love herself lady. Let’s see who she really is, shall we?
Blessings,
~Nikki
(Fun fact, I’ve been using a tilde before my name since I wrote my blogs back as a teenager! It’s still my favorite. 🙂 A hyphen just wouldn’t do…so I added a tilde so I could be extra.)
